豚，我是一只豚

They are sitting in Charlie’s bedroom, face-to-face. It seems that their eyes have already poured out every thought of their mind. None of them has spoken anything.

It has been a long while for the people in silence, or perhaps, it is just a couple of minutes.

“Matti,” said Charlie, who is sitting at the edge of the bed, straightening himself and gazing upward where has Matteusz’s honest eyes.

They want to kiss each other so bad, but, a kiss is not a way that can solve out everything.

“There is no doubt that we love each other deeply, and believe that you have done the same for me.” Charlie continues. He gazes at Matteusz, expressing his love from the bottom of his heart. Somehow Rhodian is better than human for expressing their own feeling without the long way round.

“You believe me, Charlie?” Matteusz is a bit nervous now, because he loves Charlie so much that he can’t bear the pain of losing him.

“I do, Matti.”

Matteusz reaches out, holding Charlie’s hands in the hollow of his hands. Now he is sharing his temperature with Charlie, warming him up. 

“I love you and I think, love is about you and me, not the Prince of Rhodia and a human.”

“But eventually, you can’t lie about who I am, what I am capable of, or......or something even worse. ”

Matteusz rubs Charlie’s hands, and nods, “I can’t, yes. We both can’t ignore the truth that we are different.”

“Especially it has been exposed in the air now.” Charlie takes over his words, “Matti, I guess you certainly know that you are loving with an alien now......”

“So are you, Charlie. ” Matteusz holds up Charlie’s hands and kisses them on their back, “Alien is a two-way word. You are not a human inside but I am not a Rodian either. You see, love is not made from skin, sexuality, or species......Love is caring, love is concern......”

“But love is not afraid.”

Before they go any deeper into this “afraid” topic, Matteusz leans forward and gives Charlie a kiss on his forehead with tenderness. Then he speaks to Charlie, “You have taken the duty of revenge for your people on your shoulder, which makes you conflicted. You are trying to live with your hatred, but at the same time, you are also fighting against it, chasing it away from your mind. No one at your age should take that much. ”

Matteusz puts his hands on Charlie’s shoulder, and Charlie looks back at him.

“It has been a part of me now, and makes me who I am.” said Charlie, with sadness, “I am already a murderer.”

“No, you are not.” Matteusz shakes his head lightly, then he stops, with his mouth murmurs, “But......”

“But?”

“But I have to say that it’s the part that I fear most.”

Charlie nods, seeming he has taken it in. Matteusz kneels in front of Charlie with his hands holding Charlie’s again, “No, no, listen to me, Charlie.” Matteusz’s voice is tense, “I know you are doing your best to fit yourself in this human world, and you are thinking that no matter how hard you have done, you are always an outsider who could never be one of us and could never find your belong here.” 

For the first time in Charlie’s life, he is being understood and the one that knows him so well is his beloved.

“You know I am a Pole. So, when I first time went to school, those children, they all laughed at my accent. No one likes me. I was upset at that time. Then my grandma told me that if you couldn’t fit yourself in, then don’t.”

“Don't?”

“Yeh, my grandma said ‘Matti, you don’t need to be liked by everyone. You will have that one, that particular one, in one day.’ Now I see she’s right. I have you now.”

Matteusz pauses and looks up.

“You thought that I would leave you one day because I will be scared by the alien you? No, I won’t. What I fear is, that you will lose yourself in hatred, that you will go madness, that you are no longer you any more. I am concerned about you. You are so......so important to me that I can’t just stand there and watch the revenge consumes you.”

There is one second after Matteusz finished saying his words that he saw the greatest grief in Charlie’s eyes.

“You don’t see the desperation when I were there watching everyone I’ve known lost their last breath within my sight.” Charlie bows his head upon his hands. Seeing this, Matteusz stands up and hugs him with his arms immediately, but he still feels that his boyfriend sobs on his chest.

“Shh......shh......It’s okay. It’s okay.”Matteusz comforts him with his touch slightly sweeping on his back, “I could never feel the same as you feel, Charlie. I know I have no right to talk to you about monsters. But there is one thing that you need to know. Even though you are the last Rhodian, you won’t be alone. You have me. And I swear I will never leave you.”

“Matti,” Charlie raises his head, “I can’t promise you that I will never take my revenge. I am afraid of one day, no one can stop me, not even you.”

“You have shown your braveness, Charlie.” Matteusz gently caresses Charlie’s hair, “Perhaps one day, you might. Then I would understand you. But before that, you won’t get lost, because I am here with you. And I believe you would make the right choice.”

Now they are gazing at the shiny eyes of each other. Then Matteusz bends down, with his arms supporting his body. They are so close that they are even sharing each other’s breathes now. A few seconds passes and a soft kiss from Matteusz drops on Charlie’s lips. 

For a moment they enjoy themselves falling into the love they have longed for, no life at stake to worry about.

How about just let them be?

Because for tomorrow people might die, let them have each other tonight.